No one special

 I am no one special. Not a doctor, nor popstar, and especially not a beauty queen. I am an average college student doing average college student things, but when did that become insufficient for a narrator? As I begin to write my own memoir in my head I can see the words on a page as plain as day; scrolling and filling the page with paragraph after paragraph of well told memories and embelished outcomes. Unfortunately I don't know yet how to accomplish such a feat so instead I will tell you my story just as I remember. I can in no way guarantee that it will be worth your while or that you will fall in love with it as we all sometimes do, all I can do is hope that you read, and while you read you close your eyes, and you can hear my voice, and that voice can paint you the picture of my memories so crudely sewn together. Fortunately for us both I have narrated these stories thousands of times, but ultimately they are slipping from my grasp, slowly losing importance and the pivotal element of a child's eye which is why I write to you reader; to remember and be remembered.
My story, one  I have carried with me for so long, now drags on me like an anchor, constantly holding me back in life, while sometimes defeating me in its task. I am no one special, but I have changed at least two lives forever. By merely existing I may have been a deciding factor, but I will let you be the judge of that in due time. I must tell my story before I expell it from my life because once I move on I will not be the one to ever chase again.
This may be described as a love story... or it may be described as a drama. Do not believe I want you to feel one way or another. I just want to be heard, or read by anyone who will listen, gasp, laugh or just open their eyes not in shock of these life events, but instead in shock of a love that still beats and grows and aches inside of me. My story is nothing new to the world, maybe even one you have heard before, but this is my take, and my memory, and my pain. Just remember; I am no one special...

to be continued

here i am today readers. drunk as can be. it is my 21st, and today i am a let down.
i didnt now do what i wanted. iwill instead not be a memory, instead i will be forgotten.
today i was to post what i needed to the sheepshead review like all other students in hopes of publications, but instead in my bout of self pity, i spent my day loathing and complaining about the people that make it not worth it. i missed my dream ( and a small one at that due to the people that make my life miserable) never let that happened to you.

here i am. alone. in my room. dreaming of a life i may never have. living up to a live i've seen lived. to be not alone and drunk is fine . to be alone and drunk is a curse i find because it opens realities to flaws you never before faced. i feel gross.

i looked at myself today everytime at the bar before i left the bathroom. everytime i spent a good while in the mirror evaluating myself. i am not who i want to be. am i who i was raised to be? or instead who i choose to be by failure? that is something i will never know. today i feel the pulls of an icy cold pillar dragging me to the bottoms below, as i celebrate my life and wait for someone to make me happy. as i wait i live my life as i am told to. loud and assertive as a 21 year old is supposed to but here in my room i feel like nothing of the sorts. i recall statements i made sober and i regret them. i recall things i have said in the day and i am not happy with myself. today blog readers is a large deciding factor in many people's lives and i have made my decisions tonight. to be continued....

The poem.

Hello readers. I just wanted to keep you informed. i turned in my application to study at Alabama A&M university next year. i am very excited and want you to be excited for me too. this is what i need. believe in me. if there is anything i need more than this change its to have someone believe in me.
maybe thats why i post, false hope? who knows? i sure dont and couldnt explain the relief i find when throwing it all out here for you. pointless ramblings about a nothing day but the fact that people read it and hear about it and care enough its like knowing you crossed someones mind and that feeling is gold.
anyway folks, i decided today is the day to let you in on my poetic gold. i have a few works im especially proud of but this is something i love very much and matters alot to me. before i just throw it out here i think you should know what im speaking about. it is my mom(typical) and um the funny thing is that your sense of smell is your keenest sense. well i know my moms smell. i dont know what it is or what perfume it was but to me it smells like coastline. when i smell it i close my eyes and i can go back to stepping off a plane. i see shades of pale blue and oceanic waves. everything is fine and i have my heroine. i think there were seashells on the bottle or something because i will argue that its the smell of seashells. i dont know what it is but its so soothing and its so rare that i get to smell it but its such an unmistakeable scent that i am sometimes blessed with. anyway this is about how i feel when i smell it. and also how i've basically chased nothing but that smell and a bunch of memories around the country to find what i did. i wrote it last year.... here we go. i hope you love it as much as i do.



Chasing Seashells-Revision
The memory of your seashells drive me
Wild, hauntingly taunting me with
Hollow victories and impossible dreams.
My mind has blocked off your view and
Yet my heart remains relentless.

Every picture I have is all that’s left, and all I have
Does not have you in it. But dancing,
in the background are your sea shells
once such a small matter and today
a lifeline.

The faint scent of coastline, and salt
And your perfume resonates
around me as a woman walks by
without a thought of my mother. She doesn’t know
She’s fooled me.

The memories of life flood me uncontrollably,
Until I attempt to recall you, I have nothing more
Than your unforgettable redolence,
I forever chase your seashells.

I’m always chasing, trying to complete myself.
Forever grasping at gusts and
Unanswered questions.
Wayward perfume sprays and
Floating, blind memories.
Forever the reoccurring question met with
Imitated patience.

You are the impossible destination.
Invisible to my mind’s eye
while blazing blue in my hearts target.
Rolling with the tide, clinging to
Young dreams speckled with dust and
a failing reality.
You evade me.

You must have known that I’d find you mom
If only my dreams could sprout wings
And my love could pilot those wings
So I could catch you before the dawn and yet
Once again
You would be gone.

writing.....unfinished....

i wonder how it feels to not breathe
i wonder how it feels to no longer be.
i wonder how it feels to wonder
i wonder how it feels to dream


like daggers you tear me apart
from head to toe dressed to impress
wearing nothing at all
beautiful to me.

like a fire you burn me up
tear me apart blacken my heart
a single look. a blink.
and im engulfed.

like a tornado you breathe in my life
while you tear me apart.
nothing but a smile
and breath for survival
and i'm down for the count.

Exchanged.

hello reader. today was a long day for me, being valentines day and all. Now, don't get me wrong its not only that i am single, you can ask many of my high school friends, i've always hated it, but today was something extra. i lately have felt so defeated. i have little desire to put forth anything where i'm at and towards the people that will be receiving it. I am just finding myself to be more and more let down by the life i've allowed myself to lead. i am less and less pleased with the person i am and the person i am valued as. i would rather take myself out of the equation. so i have devised a way to do just that.
readers, i have decided and will be applying for the National Student Exchange program tomorrow. in my choice i decided to pick my number one school as Alabama A&M which is a HBCU or for those of you that dont know it means a historically black college. i've always said i wanted to tak advantage of me being different here and go somewhere that i'm not. readers i am so excited to be going, but i find myself excited for the wrong reasons. i am not happy to be sharing my life with new people friends and new experiences. instead i am happy to be getting out of here. i cant lie when i tell you i will be lucky to walk away. life can throw so much at you and i cant hold it all up, even if i could its my choice of whether or not i want to. there are probably easier ways of changing my life but this is a big one and i love doing big things. i will get a brand new start all over again, but this time it's just a year. if i mess up i dont have to stay. if i am something i will hold on to that and realize its not me that was doing it wrong up here. I know i will be missing my family so much especially my nephews and my grandma but i need to just breathe somewhere that will not ask me questions. somewhere that no one knows who i am or what i left behind. somewhere that know one knows my happy face from my sad one. somewhere that i dont have to shine a fake smile just to walk away from my friends. somewhere that maybe i will be invisible. maybe thats what i need. but unfortunately for me i just dont know what i need right now readers, other than that space.
everynight that i come home from school i try my hardest to stall and find somewhere to matter more so that i wont go home to this lonesome dark abyss that is my home. I walk in the door and am greeted by the beauty that i am very fortunate to have in a home but not by the warmth and comfort of another person. everytime i get on the ramp to drive home i accelerate just enough to keep up. and then a bit more. and then a bit more than that and everytime i think for a second what if i never stopped. how long could i go. glance at the gas gauge. think about school and what im leaving behind and finally think about my family and what they need from me. they're the only thing that keeps me coming home. the beauty and comfort i find in just the thought of them is strong enough to get over any desire to run, but its not strong enough to kill the desire all together. i need to find whatever it is that will. and i promise you that i need to find it soon. i know im fortunate. and i really am grateful, but does that mean that i have to stifle my emotion too? i dont think so. it shouldnt meant hat i have to stifle my life or dreams either and that is not something i would do.
anyway readers i promised i would share with you another poem. i was going to do that today seeing as though i'm in the right mood (unfortunately i tend to be in more upset moods when i write or let people read it) but seeing as though this post got a bit out of hand i will post it tomorrow. i will try to whip something else up for me submission which is due monday feb 20. i know i shouldnt be nervous, but yet again i am. this month or even just the beginning of this year has not been one of my favorites i can tell you that much. anyway good night world. love the people you love and love them as strong as you can because sometimes they dont know or it may be just what they need. but then again maybe you shouldnt listen to me.... who knows. good night...... or morning...or whatever.....

sheepshead.

hey guys, so I've really wanted to submit something to the Sheepshead review which is a book our school puts out ever year with a collection of works done by students. anyway, i've always been to nervous or anxious to do it so i decided that i would finally do it this year seeing that i wont be here next year and the submit date is on my birthday, hopefully i will get accepted. anyway so i will be submitting two poems which if you didnt know i write on the frequent. i will post one up tonight in this message i just finished it about 5 minutes about but i like it. it explains where im at right now. how i think really simple and you kind of just have to flow with it have an imagination and let it talk to you. the other poem will go up some time this week. i wrote it last year and got great responses from everyone that read it including a tear or two. i've been waiting for the right time to let it out and let everyone read it so when im in that kind of mood i will let you in. but for how here is what i've got. like i said before, please dont check on me after reading this...its not a cry for help i swear. thanks for reading!!! ENJOY!


(titleless)
step.
step.
prevail.
survive.

breathe once.
breathe twice.
breathe enought to keep alive.

closed eyes
closed mouth
closed mind
closed heart
           life without you:
           bleak. stark.

step. repeat.
glide on home.
just keep living
until the day is gone.

turn. toss.
roll. reach.
open them.
close them.
reality mirrors dream.

awaken.
lay.
think.
decide.
          is today another day worth being alive?

STUPID BARBIE!

Hello out there. I apologize for my lack of activity but i just cant seem to get my life together therefore no time to write or anything of this fashion. anyway tonight is going to be short i just wanted to say hi that im alive and care about you guys and i thank you for caring about me in return.

i decided today that i am going to print all of my creative writing works and put them in a type of scrap book before i do anything towards a book. it will be tangible and hopefully encouraging. anyway so as i do that i would love to share some of them with you guys. some of them are very deep and important to me. those are for another day. today this is a short story um it was for my creative writing class. you might not get it and its kinda weird but thats what we were stretchin for. its about a girl hating her brothers pretty girlfriend. it places in the 50's so here ya go! oh! and it 6 pages long so if you dont have the time its ok. or the desire that too. its called STUPID BARBIE.

April 7, 1959

Stupid Barbie. Who looks like that anyways? Sure as heck not me. Tall and skinny was farthest from my rap sheet. I’m a fream, you better get with the skinny fast Jack before I sock you good. It means farthest from a Dolly. I’m tough or just plain ugly. Stupid girls walk around in their penny loafers and high waisted skirts like they’re top dog. One of these days I’m going to show ’em. I swear this damn doll was modeled right after Suzy Albright. Perfect blonde hair and white teeth, she is the only person that even has boobs yet so of course all the guys love her. I’m graced with spotty skin and braces which is not uncommon among my 15 year old peers. I’m flat chested with a fair complexion and brown hair. I’m hardly average.

Even the teachers play up the difference Diary, Suzy sits in the middle of the classroom flanked and flocked by boys and I’m in the back left corner. My desk is grody and the farthest thing from fat city. The only things I have that she doesn’t are my high status parents, and this window. My window is the best in the house; it overlooks half of town and the lake. From here I can see the whole world, shed light on my own, or even block it all out.

April 8, 1959

I saw her today from my window playing a game of backseat bingo with Mr. Fisch, our math teacher.  It’s not her fault this girl is fast. Her daddy left her and she’s had used her looks to get by ever since her mom started collecting boyfriends like they were postage stamps. Luckily for her, we live in a town where the secrets are softly whispered. I don’t think anyone knows the things I do, but even if they did, they wouldn’t take the time to talk to me about it. Even if I was the only person alive still they wouldn’t talk to me about it. So instead I just take interest alone, in my window.  And that is what puts me where I am now; in my window. Diary, I don’t know how much more of this I can take. She is so radioactive and I am such a goon.

April 10, 1959

We used to be friends you know. It was mainly because her older sister dated my older brother, but we used to hang out every day. We had a bake sale together once and even a lemonade stand. It was hot business that day. I invited her to sleep over one day and she came and we stayed up all night watching movies and eating ice cream. We even made each other bracelets. That was only two years ago, but when her sister had the accident everything sort of stopped.

One night my brother and her out on the town to see the movie “Ben Hur,” after they got out, they saw some of her friends in an ice cream parlor across the street. My brother Tommy didn’t feel like going in but he did anyway to make is girl happy. I guess they sat down and talked about the movie when her friends said they were going out to play chicken on the back roads. Her sister was so fractured with this idea she nearly fainted. Tommy wasn’t having it. He told her to cool her jets because they were going home. He told me that she called him a stick in the mud and said that she was leaving with her friends. There was nothing he could do but let her leave so he dove home. No longer than two hours later, there was a knock at our door. It was the heat and they were here for Tommy. You can about imagine the shock to our family when he was taken down town. After he told them about his date with his girl they told him why he had been brought down there…she was missing. A few people had said they saw the two fighting at the parlor and thought Tommy had done something against her after he’d left. They took down his name and told him not to go anywhere, because he was facing a kidnapping charge. By the time my parents and I got there the paperwork was already being filled out. My brother, a criminal, right here in Alabama; to say the least he was about to be cut out of our lives and thrown in the slammer if we didn’t think fast. That rich white kid wouldn’t last all but three days there without being totaled. Later on Tommy had been set free; there was no evidence, but they never found the girl. Everyone looks at us a little crooked lately, but I suppose that’s what happens when life hands your peaches.

April 14, 1959

I swear that stupid Barbie is trying to rattle my cage at school. She is always throwing soda down right before I step so that I’ll fall. One time she even threw my books down the stairs. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT DIARY! She gets away with it too. “Oh poor Suzy, she doesn’t have anyone to turn to.” That’s all they say. I reckon the whole town blames my family for her being so loose, but whose fault is it Diary? It’s the luck of the draw out here and while her hand is all clubs, mines speckled with diamonds. Heck I may not be the prettiest around but that stupid dolly can’t ruin my life forever. My dad said that when I graduate he’s going to send me to college. I want to be a teacher. I think that one day she’ll grow out of it; you know you can’t always be a cool cat.

            April 17, 1959

SHE’S GONE, DIARY! I don’t know where she went but someone says she got knocked up by Mr. Fisch, and she went to a home for girls. Someone else said she is missing just like her sister. I also heard that they ran away together to get away from her mom. Whatever it is there is nothing to stop me now from being the coolest cat on the block. Soon maybe I’ll even be sitting in the middle desk. You never know Diary, you really never know. I could be the next big show. I won’t have to be fast like her but I’ll just coast into her old spot. Maybe I’ll even get her locker. I just want someone to see me for once. Maybe someone will even talk to me and now that she is gone I will be the next dolly. I’m going to need a new skirt.

April 19, 1959

I was wrong Diary, no new desk, no new locker, and the closest I came to being the scene was when I tripped on an apple core. I really thought I’d be able to get it Diary, her place I mean, that’s all I really wanted. She took it from my sister who took it from my brother and that’s why I took his girl.

            She always wore his sweater that he got from football, he was on varsity. I wanted it so bad. She never respected my brother anyway she was even when they were going steady I could see her down the street with her dirty friends. After that they got in a fight and Tommy left, I went to grab an ice cream from the parlor and saw her in the bathroom. She was upset about the fight so I told her I knew how she could make it up and to meet me in the field behind my house.

            When she got there it was late and I told her Tommy was on his way. As she waited she played with some string connected to a button on his sweater and I asked her why she wanted to be with my brother. She gave me this sap story about their life together and talked to me like a little kid I was done with it. My size was in my favor this time as we fought and I pushed her down, the problem only occurred when she hit her head on a rock and didn’t recoil. She was down for the count. I took the sweater and ran back to the shed. I grabbed a shovel and old coal, I saw in this movie once if you burry a body with coal, dogs can’t smell it; so that’s exactly what I did. My brother graduated and moved away to college so I thought it was my turn to shine until Suzy’s rack came into the picture. Everyone liked her now especially considering the impeccable resemblance to the newly debuted Barbie doll.

            It wasn’t fair Diary. It was my turn to shine. I earned the sun and I was about to grab it. Suzy was trash anyway. I worked so hard to put everything in place the way it should be and then when it came around to me it just passed on by. You don’t think I was about to let her have my spotlight do you? Really come one. How hard could it all be anyway? I can see the whole world out of my window you know, but luckily that night the whole world wouldn’t see me.