hello reader. today was a long day for me, being valentines day and all. Now, don't get me wrong its not only that i am single, you can ask many of my high school friends, i've always hated it, but today was something extra. i lately have felt so defeated. i have little desire to put forth anything where i'm at and towards the people that will be receiving it. I am just finding myself to be more and more let down by the life i've allowed myself to lead. i am less and less pleased with the person i am and the person i am valued as. i would rather take myself out of the equation. so i have devised a way to do just that.
readers, i have decided and will be applying for the National Student Exchange program tomorrow. in my choice i decided to pick my number one school as Alabama A&M which is a HBCU or for those of you that dont know it means a historically black college. i've always said i wanted to tak advantage of me being different here and go somewhere that i'm not. readers i am so excited to be going, but i find myself excited for the wrong reasons. i am not happy to be sharing my life with new people friends and new experiences. instead i am happy to be getting out of here. i cant lie when i tell you i will be lucky to walk away. life can throw so much at you and i cant hold it all up, even if i could its my choice of whether or not i want to. there are probably easier ways of changing my life but this is a big one and i love doing big things. i will get a brand new start all over again, but this time it's just a year. if i mess up i dont have to stay. if i am something i will hold on to that and realize its not me that was doing it wrong up here. I know i will be missing my family so much especially my nephews and my grandma but i need to just breathe somewhere that will not ask me questions. somewhere that no one knows who i am or what i left behind. somewhere that know one knows my happy face from my sad one. somewhere that i dont have to shine a fake smile just to walk away from my friends. somewhere that maybe i will be invisible. maybe thats what i need. but unfortunately for me i just dont know what i need right now readers, other than that space.
everynight that i come home from school i try my hardest to stall and find somewhere to matter more so that i wont go home to this lonesome dark abyss that is my home. I walk in the door and am greeted by the beauty that i am very fortunate to have in a home but not by the warmth and comfort of another person. everytime i get on the ramp to drive home i accelerate just enough to keep up. and then a bit more. and then a bit more than that and everytime i think for a second what if i never stopped. how long could i go. glance at the gas gauge. think about school and what im leaving behind and finally think about my family and what they need from me. they're the only thing that keeps me coming home. the beauty and comfort i find in just the thought of them is strong enough to get over any desire to run, but its not strong enough to kill the desire all together. i need to find whatever it is that will. and i promise you that i need to find it soon. i know im fortunate. and i really am grateful, but does that mean that i have to stifle my emotion too? i dont think so. it shouldnt meant hat i have to stifle my life or dreams either and that is not something i would do.
anyway readers i promised i would share with you another poem. i was going to do that today seeing as though i'm in the right mood (unfortunately i tend to be in more upset moods when i write or let people read it) but seeing as though this post got a bit out of hand i will post it tomorrow. i will try to whip something else up for me submission which is due monday feb 20. i know i shouldnt be nervous, but yet again i am. this month or even just the beginning of this year has not been one of my favorites i can tell you that much. anyway good night world. love the people you love and love them as strong as you can because sometimes they dont know or it may be just what they need. but then again maybe you shouldnt listen to me.... who knows. good night...... or morning...or whatever.....
Wow Angie I am finding myself worrying about you! Believe me, I know what you are going through..Almost 6 years ago, I didn't think I would be able to go on and you know what I am talking about but I put my trust and hope in Jesus and I can get through it all. I think it takes most young people almost a life time to get where you are at. Wondering if there is something better, or why am I here... You have just matured faster. Those feelings are normal dear, but turn you heart to God and he will help you through. You have every right to find out about your heritage. I didn't know about mine until I was 16 but I found that it didn't matter, that everything that did matter was right in front of me. I just thought the grass would be greener on the other side and it very rarely is. We as humans, always want what we can't have. So, wake up every morning, thankful for your life.. Ask Jesus to come into your heart to help you through the difficult times as you see them. Life will always be one trial after another and you are just beginning that life. You are an exceptional young lady, with a personality that touches the soul. Use those wonderful traits to make a difference in the world. Which could be as simple as befriending another, smiling and saying a kind word to another. Never underestimate the power you possess to make the world a better place. I love you Ang,, so many people do... just for who you are, not what you think you have to be. I will be praying for you today...Life is wonderful, don't waste it fretting over things you can't control. One day you will wake up and be old like me...hehe.. Missing you...LISA
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