Tuesday, January 31, 2012
today's truths
I am falling apart. ripping at the seams. slowly withering into a whole new definition of nothing. i feel like everything that i enjoy or want or desire is slowly slipping out of my reach. my lack of ability to capitalize on anything seems to come into a whole new light. who am i anymore but a ploy fir a reality's game. i feel like a no body. i cant decide to move or not to scream or not to cry or not and my lack of decision does nothing but leave me silent. the truth is i hate this place. i am slowly starting to hate everthing about it. along with the growth of hatred i am slowly resenting myself for my lack of truth that i tend to expell onto everyone around me. but more than that i wonder why you havent seen it. if you have why havent you asked. im screaming the only way i know how. silently.
Monday, January 30, 2012
life's ambitions.....sorta?
Have you ever just sat somewhere and wondered what was right? Lately i've been caught with this lost look on my face....if i were consciously doing anything i'd imagine its thinking...now, since its not a conscious action i couldnt tell you what it is im thinking about. (once again folks i apologize for my lack of punctuation and such but i just really dont feel like indulging in that extra time whether or not it be a few seconds...) carrying on, i realize that i think that i have been thinking about my life, i may have realized the things that i want and the things that i continuously find more and more trivial. i feel like maybe i've spent some of my time figuring out who i am and who i want to be...but then again im young so i am frequently told therefore i have no idea what i want. pressing on, i think i may have (temporarily) decided what i'd like in my life...here are some.
1) I more than anything want to find someone to spend my time with. most of my time. and i want it to be someone that will enjoy it for all that it is whether it is nothing or the most awesome thing in the whole world. no one wants to be alone so i suppose this is quite a common request but in a life that lacks in permanent figures, this is a big thing for me. I want someone that is completely mine, maybe not completly but everyone knows how i feel about sharing. i know what i want them to be like and our memories to be made play in my head like theyre already there, so i hope this one comes soon....im not getting any younger
2) I want to own my old house. i've heard so many things like how its in a bad neighborhood and stuff but i love it. its my favorite house ever...i dont really have a reason why but if i could have the world my way it would be my house and it would have the old porch swing on the front deck and it would be super amazing and we would hide under the stairs like old times....
3) I want a job i thoroughly enjoy. everyone wants this but i dont think i could last "sucking it up" at some job just to make my ends meet. i tend to hate settling therefore i highly doubt my ability to do it forever....
In realization of life and the people around me i understand that these things are really broad and highly saught after by many people if not all but i'm constantly told documentation beats conversation, so if anyone is wondering why it is i am doing something, its most likely in an attempt to get closer to one of these things. if you choose to call me out on some wreckless shenanigans i will in turn try to manipulate whatever shenanigans into one of these life goals: just a little warning.
1) I more than anything want to find someone to spend my time with. most of my time. and i want it to be someone that will enjoy it for all that it is whether it is nothing or the most awesome thing in the whole world. no one wants to be alone so i suppose this is quite a common request but in a life that lacks in permanent figures, this is a big thing for me. I want someone that is completely mine, maybe not completly but everyone knows how i feel about sharing. i know what i want them to be like and our memories to be made play in my head like theyre already there, so i hope this one comes soon....im not getting any younger
2) I want to own my old house. i've heard so many things like how its in a bad neighborhood and stuff but i love it. its my favorite house ever...i dont really have a reason why but if i could have the world my way it would be my house and it would have the old porch swing on the front deck and it would be super amazing and we would hide under the stairs like old times....
3) I want a job i thoroughly enjoy. everyone wants this but i dont think i could last "sucking it up" at some job just to make my ends meet. i tend to hate settling therefore i highly doubt my ability to do it forever....
In realization of life and the people around me i understand that these things are really broad and highly saught after by many people if not all but i'm constantly told documentation beats conversation, so if anyone is wondering why it is i am doing something, its most likely in an attempt to get closer to one of these things. if you choose to call me out on some wreckless shenanigans i will in turn try to manipulate whatever shenanigans into one of these life goals: just a little warning.
Friday, January 27, 2012
breaking down.
This week is like nothing I've ever heard of. Now dont get me wrong, my life is not terrible. Quite the contrary actually, I am quite blessed and lucky to have the life I do, but then again this is MY blog about MY feelings...so.... vent? Dont mind if i do.
It started with a wonderfully emotional time on sunday. if only i could be more open about something so personal i would but i cant, just know it hurt like the dickens and was very sad. i talked myself out of a mental breakdown and went on with my way to school. About two days later, it was tuesday night, i went on to google to look for my mom which is a rare occurance, but was shockingly worth my time.
There, on google, staring my right in the face was a picture of my mom. She had a google+ account. WHAT THE FUCK
i dont believe i have ever been so shocked. mad happy scared nervous all bottled in one i started to shake as i sat in a luckily empty computer lab doing having a scream-a-thon with my brother. Never did i expect to come accross this. NEVER! That same day i had decided and gotten confirmation that i would, infact, be going to seattle for spring break and now this?! everything was panning out in my favor when everything had started out so bad. I wrote my mom a message and waited and waited for her to write back. I checked that page like cookies in the oven and got nothing. today upon the late hour, i realized she wouldnt be likely to go on there today until, 20 min ago, i checked the page and she was there. she made a post. her post had nothing to do with me. nothing. and as this cursor blinks and as my fingers strike keys i'm hoping i can come up with a word for the emotion i felt but i have none. luckily my phone is a piece of trash anyway so the thought of breaking it was not far off either. I wanted to scream, and i would have if not for the lovely 80 year old couple next door.
upon these emotions i commented on her post. trying to draw her attention to her one and only daughter she has not heard from, seen, or contacted in 8 years. Now the curious readers out there may be wondering "what is that post she made?" well folks I'm glad you asked. It was a lovely little summary about how she has gotten a cold. not only that but here is the cherry, the something else that means big ending, anyway there in her post being burned into my eyes because its late at night i learned that my mom is being deployed next week.
i have no quarls with th army. i dont dislike it in any way i respect it and its soldiers completely, but how in all the world is it possible for my week to wind down how it has. i was so high that if i jumped i'd hit my head on mars and now i dont know whether to cry or not. upon the realization that my time is wearing down, i took out the one thing i have relied on for a few years; her phone number. i've had it for a while just in case but havent called her because i never had a good enough reason or time but for some reason nothing and no time seemed better than now when i realize im losing the key to answers in my life as i wait. i dialed the number fearing what she'd say when she answered the phone, wondering "will she just let it ring?" "what if she knows its me?" it was the longest one second of my life before an automated message came over the phone telling me that the number had also been disconnected. dear readers, i dont know if i could make up anything to make me feel worse than i do right now but its like i found the person i searched for for the longest 8 years of my life and she leaves in a week. i am about as emotionless, speachless, numb, confused and dead as you can imagine being at this point.
Now to finish up, I thank you so much for reaching the end of my rant, I thank you more for viewing my blog, but one thing i have never done that i will do for this one occurence is allow myself to feel beaten. for a while. I will figure it out but i dont want you to tell me she doesn't deserve me, becuase she does. no matter where she is or what she does she is my mom. always. dont talk bad about her because that will just make me resent you. dont tell me its going to be alright because right now i dont think its gonna work. dont call my phone asking if i want to talk because obviously i dont. dont feel sorry for me either because i do it well enough on my own. just realize that i appreciate how much you care with the simple recognition that you read all of this for me. Thats amazing. Thanks for being there.
It started with a wonderfully emotional time on sunday. if only i could be more open about something so personal i would but i cant, just know it hurt like the dickens and was very sad. i talked myself out of a mental breakdown and went on with my way to school. About two days later, it was tuesday night, i went on to google to look for my mom which is a rare occurance, but was shockingly worth my time.
There, on google, staring my right in the face was a picture of my mom. She had a google+ account. WHAT THE FUCK
i dont believe i have ever been so shocked. mad happy scared nervous all bottled in one i started to shake as i sat in a luckily empty computer lab doing having a scream-a-thon with my brother. Never did i expect to come accross this. NEVER! That same day i had decided and gotten confirmation that i would, infact, be going to seattle for spring break and now this?! everything was panning out in my favor when everything had started out so bad. I wrote my mom a message and waited and waited for her to write back. I checked that page like cookies in the oven and got nothing. today upon the late hour, i realized she wouldnt be likely to go on there today until, 20 min ago, i checked the page and she was there. she made a post. her post had nothing to do with me. nothing. and as this cursor blinks and as my fingers strike keys i'm hoping i can come up with a word for the emotion i felt but i have none. luckily my phone is a piece of trash anyway so the thought of breaking it was not far off either. I wanted to scream, and i would have if not for the lovely 80 year old couple next door.
upon these emotions i commented on her post. trying to draw her attention to her one and only daughter she has not heard from, seen, or contacted in 8 years. Now the curious readers out there may be wondering "what is that post she made?" well folks I'm glad you asked. It was a lovely little summary about how she has gotten a cold. not only that but here is the cherry, the something else that means big ending, anyway there in her post being burned into my eyes because its late at night i learned that my mom is being deployed next week.
i have no quarls with th army. i dont dislike it in any way i respect it and its soldiers completely, but how in all the world is it possible for my week to wind down how it has. i was so high that if i jumped i'd hit my head on mars and now i dont know whether to cry or not. upon the realization that my time is wearing down, i took out the one thing i have relied on for a few years; her phone number. i've had it for a while just in case but havent called her because i never had a good enough reason or time but for some reason nothing and no time seemed better than now when i realize im losing the key to answers in my life as i wait. i dialed the number fearing what she'd say when she answered the phone, wondering "will she just let it ring?" "what if she knows its me?" it was the longest one second of my life before an automated message came over the phone telling me that the number had also been disconnected. dear readers, i dont know if i could make up anything to make me feel worse than i do right now but its like i found the person i searched for for the longest 8 years of my life and she leaves in a week. i am about as emotionless, speachless, numb, confused and dead as you can imagine being at this point.
Now to finish up, I thank you so much for reaching the end of my rant, I thank you more for viewing my blog, but one thing i have never done that i will do for this one occurence is allow myself to feel beaten. for a while. I will figure it out but i dont want you to tell me she doesn't deserve me, becuase she does. no matter where she is or what she does she is my mom. always. dont talk bad about her because that will just make me resent you. dont tell me its going to be alright because right now i dont think its gonna work. dont call my phone asking if i want to talk because obviously i dont. dont feel sorry for me either because i do it well enough on my own. just realize that i appreciate how much you care with the simple recognition that you read all of this for me. Thats amazing. Thanks for being there.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
wasted lives?
Hello world. How is your day? mine is full of extra time wasted away with thoughts and day dreams. I realized and decided today that i think i waste my life. I want a change but dont know how to go about it. I want to volunteer it more and i want to make a difference but lately i dont know how. I seem to have all the time in the world, especially since I'm on winter vacation, but I havent found away to accomplish something im proud of, and that feeling of pride is vital for a healthy life in my opinion. I seem to be surrounded by extraordinary people and am unable to measure up. I need a change.
One thing i want to be able to ask myself every day is "how did you change the world today?" Today I may not have done that. I may have been lucky to have people in my life today to reach out to and I wouldn't change that for anything, but instead I wish to impact them rather than take their energy to bring up my own. In our society today it seems to be more and more commonplace to find people, especially young adults, under increasingly large amounts of stress. This stress changes their life and changes them as a person. Is such a thing nescessary? where is the compassion and motivation? I beg of you readers, find it and spread it throughout, impact the world.
One thing i want to be able to ask myself every day is "how did you change the world today?" Today I may not have done that. I may have been lucky to have people in my life today to reach out to and I wouldn't change that for anything, but instead I wish to impact them rather than take their energy to bring up my own. In our society today it seems to be more and more commonplace to find people, especially young adults, under increasingly large amounts of stress. This stress changes their life and changes them as a person. Is such a thing nescessary? where is the compassion and motivation? I beg of you readers, find it and spread it throughout, impact the world.
Monday, January 2, 2012
undone.
beauty is to view a puzzle piece and see its match
it may not be me for thats too much to ask
to view truly unbiased love close your eyes
listen to the sound of the beat of the world
hear the breath of a loved one
be the pulse of someones life
be completely free for only after this all can you truly see
unfinished.
it may not be me for thats too much to ask
to view truly unbiased love close your eyes
listen to the sound of the beat of the world
hear the breath of a loved one
be the pulse of someones life
be completely free for only after this all can you truly see
unfinished.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
dirty laundry
Hello good world. obviously we all made it safely into the new year and for that i am thankful. As i sit here in my apartment i consider life. I consider the people in mine, who i am keeping and who i am passing on. a more in depth explanation of this would be to describe them as laundry. which people in my life are worth washing. who is worth dry cleaning (which is not cheap) and who should just be thrown out. As i went through my facebook the other day i rarely found a person i didnt know and if i found one I though i didnt the were deleted, but today upon creeping i saw status after status of horrible conduct towards people. some things i would never say myself and wouldnt want to hear in public so today i ask you what is it that earns a person the spot in their life, especially if said person differs so much from you and your morals.
To shine the light of of truth on our lives, we must first weed out the darkness.....does that make sense to you guys? just a little something i came up with. please respond or dont. either way, have a good one.
To shine the light of of truth on our lives, we must first weed out the darkness.....does that make sense to you guys? just a little something i came up with. please respond or dont. either way, have a good one.
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