breaking down.

This week is like nothing I've ever heard of. Now dont get me wrong, my life is not terrible. Quite the contrary actually, I am quite blessed and lucky to have the life I do, but then again this is MY blog about MY feelings...so.... vent? Dont mind if i do.

It started with a wonderfully emotional time on sunday. if only i could be more open about something so personal i would but i cant, just know it hurt like the dickens and was very sad. i talked myself out of a mental breakdown and went on with my way to school. About two days later, it was tuesday night, i went on to google to look for my mom which is a rare occurance, but was shockingly worth my time.

There, on google, staring my right in the face was a picture of my mom. She had a google+ account. WHAT THE FUCK


i dont believe i have ever been so shocked. mad happy scared nervous all bottled in one i started to shake as i sat in a luckily empty computer lab doing having a scream-a-thon with my brother. Never did i expect to come accross this. NEVER! That same day i had decided and gotten confirmation that i would, infact, be going to seattle for spring break and now this?! everything was panning out in my favor when everything had started out so bad. I wrote my mom a message and waited and waited for her to write back. I checked that page like cookies in the oven and got nothing. today upon the late hour, i realized she wouldnt be likely to go on there today until, 20 min ago, i checked the page and she was there. she made a post. her post had nothing to do with me. nothing. and as this cursor blinks and as my fingers strike keys i'm hoping i can come up with a word for the emotion i felt but i have none. luckily my phone is a piece of trash anyway so the thought of breaking it was not far off either. I wanted to scream, and i would have if not for the lovely 80 year old couple next door.

upon these emotions i commented on her post. trying to draw her attention to her one and only daughter she has not heard from, seen, or contacted in 8 years. Now the curious readers out there may be wondering "what is that post she made?" well folks I'm glad you asked. It was a lovely little summary about how she has gotten a cold. not only that but here is the cherry, the something else that means big ending, anyway there in her post being burned into my eyes because its late at night i learned that my mom is being deployed next week.


i have no quarls with th army. i dont dislike it in any way i respect it and its soldiers completely, but how in all the world is it possible for my week to wind down how it has. i was so high that if i jumped i'd hit my head on mars and now i dont know whether to cry or not. upon the realization that my time is wearing down, i took out the one thing i have relied on for a few years; her phone number. i've had it for a while just in case but havent called her because i never had a good enough reason or time but for some reason nothing and no time seemed better than now when i realize im losing the key to answers in my life as i wait. i dialed the number fearing what she'd say when she answered the phone, wondering "will she just let it ring?" "what if she knows its me?" it was the longest one second of my life before an automated message came over the phone telling me that the number had also been disconnected. dear readers, i dont know if i could make up anything to make me feel worse than i do right now but its like i found the person i searched for for the longest 8 years of my life and she leaves in a week. i am about as emotionless, speachless, numb, confused and dead as you can imagine being at this point.

Now to finish up, I thank you so much for reaching the end of my rant, I thank you more for viewing my blog, but one thing i have never done that i will do for this one occurence is allow myself to feel beaten. for a while. I will figure it out but i dont want you to tell me she doesn't deserve me, becuase she does. no matter where she is or what she does she is my mom. always. dont talk bad about her because that will just make me resent you. dont tell me its going to be alright because right now i dont think its gonna work. dont call my phone asking if i want to talk because obviously i dont. dont feel sorry for me either because i do it well enough on my own. just realize that i appreciate how much you care with the simple recognition that you read all of this for me. Thats amazing. Thanks for being there.